Matters of the Heart: Update!

Have I mentioned that Clare’s absolute favorite show is “Wheel of Fortune”? She likes it even better than “Sesame Street,” despite the fact that Elmo has yet to make an appearance. When you think about it, though, “Wheel” is the perfect show for little kids. There are all sorts of interesting colors and lights and constant noises: bells, clapping, cheering. It is totally innocent. No violence or swearing to be seen. (Or heard.) Although, I thought there might be some the other day when the contestant had the following puzzle in the bonus round and failed to solve it: Magic  _and. For shame! Have you never read Harry Potter? The contestants on the show always say a little bit about themselves, and it never fail to mention their “wonderful” husband or wife. They always use the same word. I wonder if they are coached. I told Ben I want to be a contestant and when Pat asks me about myself, I’ll say, “Well Pat, I have been married to my mediocre husband Ben for 6 years.”

This, of course, would be a lie. Ben is a wonderful husband, most of the time. I spend a lot of time one-on-one with Clare, partly because I am home two days a week, and partly because Ben has a lot of evening commitments. And I think I have it pretty well under control. When it comes to a big event or medical appointment or something of that sort, though, I am so grateful I am not a single parent. I don’t know how they do it.

We took Clare to see the pediatric cardiologist last week to discuss the results of her Echo. I was nervous, even though Clare’s pediatrician told me not to worry. (Ha! She obviously does not know me AT ALL.) Clare has two unrelated heart issues. The first is a heart murmur, which is nothing to worry about. It turns out about half the people I know have heart murmurs, and the cardiologist assured us it is no big deal.  The second issue is called a patent foramen ovale or PFO. This is a hole between the left and right atria (upper chambers) of the heart. Everyone has this hole before we are born. It allows blood to go around the lungs of an unborn baby, who doesn’t use its lungs while in the womb. It is supposed to close soon after birth, but sometimes it just doesn’t.  This condition is also not really a big deal, it turns out. It sounds a lot scarier than it actually is. The doctor said later in life Clare may have some restrictions, like not being allowed to go deep sea diving (shucks!), but for now there is nothing to worry about, unless she has some kind of other cardiac-related incident or illness. So she’s fine. But as a mother, you just don’t want to hear that your baby as ANYTHING wrong with them, especially their heart. This is where it helps to have a rational husband by your side: sometimes I need that extra confirmation, need to make sure he heard what I did, that I didn’t miss something.

So, fingers crossed, we are done with that for the next four years. Then she will repeat the Echo to see if the hole has closed. The doctor also said that recommendations in medicine change all the time, so it is good to check back in.  I just hope they have “Kung Fu Panda” playing next time, too. Although, Clare will be five by then: plenty old enough for me to tell her to just sit still for the love of God! I can hear it already.

"Just give me a computer and I'll be quiet, I swear."

Kung Fu Echo

Clare had her Echo last week. When we arrived at the exam, the technician cheerfully told me that Clare had to lay still and couldn’t cry. Oh, and it will take an hour. And she has to lay still. And not cry. FOR AN HOUR. I was like, hello, have you met a 1-year-old? Being still is like number one on their list of things not to do. Oh, and crying is at least number 3 or 4 on their list of things to do.

Our savior? Kung Fu Panda. Not the first one. It was one I have never seen before, but involved some kind of baby bird that was lost and had to be cared for by the other animals and some alligators came and were threatening, or something. I don’t really know what was going on, to be honest, but Clare was ENTHRALLED. She stayed still and watched the heck out of that movie.  When she’d start to get a little antsy, we plied her with milk and snacks and car keys. She was such a champ. She did have to sit in my lap for a little while, which led to me being covered in gel, but that’s okay. Whatever it took to keep her still, I was going to do.  Afterward, we treated ourselves to apple cobbler in the hospital cafeteria. It was actually pretty good, and Clare ate the heck out of that cobbler.

We heard back from the doctor earlier this week - Clare does in fact have a small hole in her heart. We will be meeting with a pediatric cardiologist sometime in the next few weeks, but Clare's pediatrician assured me that this is nothing to worry about. Even if it doesn't close on its own, Clare will be just fine. We will just repeat the Echo in a few years and she can't go Scuba Diving. (Darn it, I thought we'd take her for her second birthday!) And as you know, I am really good at not worrying about things so I am sure I won't think about it at all. HA HA. Right. Sigh.
On a completely unrelated note, Clare received her birthday present from Grandma Jo and Grandpa Ralph (it was backordered). She thinks it is pretty awesome. Heck, if I had a chair with polka dots and my name on it I would think it was cool, too.

This morning, I was sitting with Clare in our rocking chair, and the cat climbed onto Clare’s chair. Clare immediately started shaking her head no (number 2 on her list of things to do), climbed off my lap, and stood in front of the chair shaking her head. I asked her, “You don’t want the cat on your chair?” “Na nan a,” she said. So the cat was ejected, Clare jumped onto the chair, and all was again right with the world. Isn't it great how easy it is to solve problems for children? I wish someone could do that for me. I don't want to leave this on a down note, so hey, happy Friday!!

Matters of the Heart and Other Random Things

Clare had her 1-year check-up yesterday. During the visit, the doctor asked me, “Have I ever said anything to you about Clare having a heart murmur?” Um, no. She heard a slight murmur, and wants Clare to have an ultrasound to make sure everything is normal. She made it VERY CLEAR that this is very common, and in all likelihood she is FINE and that I am NOT to worry about it. So of course I have been worrying about it ever since. I don’t want to hear that my baby has a heart murmur! I want to hear that she is perfect in every way. She doesn’t go in for the Echo until July 11, so I am trying hard not to obssess about it. I did stand over her crib for several minutes listening to her breathe last night, though. I am not crazy or anything!

The good news is the rest of the check up went well, aside from those nasty shots, which she held against Ben for awhile because he was down by her legs when they were given to her. She was NOT happy with him. She has not grown much since her last appointment – she is a mere 20 pounds and 30 inches long – which is 33rd percentile for weight and 67th percentile for length. She has a big head, though. 91st percentile there. No baseball caps for her! (I have a large head myself, and look ridiculous in ball caps.) ANYWAY. The doctor said she is growing just fine.

Last weekend we went to Duluth for Grandma’s Marathon. (My heart goes out to that town now, dealing with that awful flooding - especially to my sister and brother-in-law, whose car may or may not be underwater right now.) Ben ran the FULL MARATHON, because he is a crazy person. Clare found it to be a great location for napping.

Race? What race?

My sister ran the half – they both did a great job. It is so interesting to watch those races – some people look like they are just out for a jog, while others look like they are about to collapse in a heap of sweat and tears. One of my goals in life is to never run a marathon – so hey, I’ve accomplished it. I do admire those that can do it, though.

Note Ben's grimace. Katie looks fine.

On Sunday we went to watch the Brewers play the Twins at Target Field in Minneapolis. It rained. The whole time I was wondering why they didn’t put a roof on that stadium. Target Field is quite nice, though, on a sunny day.

Clare has her own homemade poncho. Appropriate, yes?

Even though Ben had to stand under the upperdeck with Clare for most of the game (she took a nap, of course), it was still a lovely Father’s Day weekend. And Clare even reached another important milestone: eating her first deep fried cheese curds. She loved them, of course. But who wouldn’t?

I do not know what is happening here.

On Breastfeeding

Three days after Clare was born, we decided to take her to Romano’s, the Italian restaurant in Evansville. Ben’s parents were in town to meet their first grandchild, and I wanted to get out of the house. I was sure it would be no problem – she’d just sit in her car seat. We got to the restaurant and put in our order. Then, the crying began. I took Clare out to the car and sat with her in the backseat. I tried to nurse her. It didn’t work.  She stared up at me, crying in what – frustration, hunger, anger, tiredness? I had no idea, but pretty soon I was sobbing too. There we were, in the backseat of the car staring at each other, both crying our eyes out.  I felt so overwhelmed – trying to nurse and deal with my raging hormones.  I couldn’t believe how strongly I loved this crying little stranger in my lap, who I couldn’t seem to please.

That night, Clare hardly slept. We thought maybe it was gas. Ben held her on her stomach. On her side. On her back. Nothing helped. The next day, my in-laws were back at my house. I spent most of the day hiding in our bedroom, trying to feed Clare, who was still antsy, upset, tired. Finally, I called the hospital and talked to a nurse. Try taking a hot shower, she said. It will help letdown your milk. This was her only advice. A few hours later, we realized Clare hadn’t peed in 24 hours. We called the pediatrician on call, who instructed us to bring Clare back to the hospital.

They weighed her when we got there – she was down to 7 pounds, 12 ounces. (She had been nearly 9 pounds when we left the hospital.) They asked me to try nursing her, so they could see what was happening. Clare was not latching on properly – she can’t tell your nipple is in her mouth, they said. They gave me a latch assist, showed me the football hold, and put Clare in my lap. The girl practically dive-bombed me when she smelled/saw that milk. I can still picture her eyes going wide, lunging for me. (“Mama’s got the good stuff,” said the nurse.) After that, she slept peacefully. We went to Target for more latch-assists, even though the nurse promised we wouldn’t need them after a day or two. She was right.

I was so relieved. It took 24 hours, but we figured out the problem and the solution. I was also annoyed, because I tried so hard to prepare for nursing AND the nurse at the hospital told me I was doing it correctly before we left. Obviously, I wasn’t.

Before Clare was born, I read everything I could on breastfeeding. I was told it wasn’t as intuitive as you might think – which turned out to be oh so true. That first weekend was proof of that. You can read all you want, but you won’t really get it until you do it. 

The whole topic nursing vs. formula is so fraught with judgment.  Some of the books I read basically said you should be put in jail if you don’t breastfeed (La Leche League, I am looking at you.) How ridiculous. Everyone needs to do what is right for them.  I also finally realized it is okay to ignore the books: as long as Clare was growing and alert, it didn’t matter that she only nursed from one breast per feeding, despite what the books say.

For us, despite the rocky start, nursing has worked wonderfully. (Except when Clare first got teeth. The less said about that the better.) It is free, convenient, and comforting for both of us.

Now, though, Clare is almost one – and I am getting ready to wean her. I am back to reading everything I can on the topic, and worrying about the right time to do it. And how to do it. And that she might not ever want to do it. Or that she will give it up too quickly, and won’t want to cuddle with me anymore.  But oh, the luxury of being able to have a glass of wine whenever I want. I am looking forward to that. And to having my body to myself for at least a few months.  Just like with learning how to nurse, I feel overwhelmed. I wish I knew what  I was doing.

Just like with learning how to nurse, though, I will wean her. One way or another. It will all work out.

Random Bits and Pieces: March

We took Clare to the park for the first time two weeks ago. We put her in the swing, fully expecting her to love it. I pushed her back and forth a few times. And she just sat there, staring at the older kids playing on the merry-go-round. She looked so jealous that she couldn't run around with them. She could have cared less about the swing.

We did coax one smile out of her, though.

***

Clare had her 9-month well-baby check-up on Friday. She is still long and lean - 50th percentile for weight and 90th for height. The doctor said she is on track to be a tall girl, like her mom. Maybe she won't be a gymnast after all, despite what everyone at daycare thinks. (She likes to do the splits.) She's had a runny nose for two weeks. The doctor said to expect it to last at least three or four. Yay.

***

She had a bad day on Saturday. It was one of those times when she was just inconsolable. I was so frustrated - with her, with the situation, with my utter inability to fix whatever was wrong. Was it the broccoli I had given her earlier in the day? Another tooth coming in? The fact that she started the day by banging her head on her crib, resulting in quite the little shiner?

We took turns rocking her, I nursed her, we tried laying down with her on the bed. We put her in the car seat and drove through the countryside. None of it worked. Finally, we gave her some Tylenol and I sat with her in the rocking chair. In no time, she was asleep, head on my chest. She hasn't slept like that since she was a newborn. When she woke up, she was back to being our happy girl.

***

On Friday night, I went to see Avenue Q with my friend Amanda. If you've never heard of this musical, let's just say its...well...raunchy. And hilarious. It was so nice having a night out. Those are so few and far between these days. On the drive home, Amanda and I were discussing our various states of happiness with things in our lives. She asked me if I felt fully satisfied with my life, now that I have Clare.  I didn't answer right away, because honestly? I don't always feel satisfied, or happy, although I feel like I should. I have nothing to complain about, really. I guess that is just part of being human, though. Not always feeling satisfied, even when you should be happy with what you have. And I don't mean to say that I am not satisfied with Ben and Clare. Because I am. Completely. There are just other things that I am sometimes less than thrilled about. 

And how could this little face not make you happy, no matter what else is going on?

Home Alone

This winter has  been quiet, weather-wise. (I am not complaining, although I do find it some what worrisome.) We finally got some snow overnight, so I thought it would be a good time to introduce Clare to the fluffy white stuff.  Also: I wanted her to wear her adorable snowsuit at least once.

Edited to add: The hat Clare is wearing in this picture came from Japan - and Ben wore it when he was a little boy.

Ben has been at a conference in Las Vegas this week. I was apprehensive about being on my own with Clare. Ben and I split pick up/drop off duties at daycare, and he usually does all the dishes. Also, Ben always gives Clare her bath! Can you believe I have never bathed my daughter? I figured by the end of the week I would be buried in chores and extremely exhausted. I have to say, though, this week went a lot more smoothly than I expected. Except for the cat waking me up EVERY MORNING AND THEN PUKING AND POOPING ALL OVER THE HOUSE. Have I mentioned that I HATE THIS CAT? This morning it was 3 A.M. UGH.

Ahem.

On Monday, I had a stomachache. It was pretty bad, and I concocted an entire story where I woke in the middle of the night with a raging cash of appendicitis (thanks Web M.D.!) and had to call an ambulance, and where would Clare sit in the ambulance? And were would she go while I was in surgery? Would Ben fly back from Las Vegas? And what if I couldn't get to the phone to call an ambulance? What if I passed out? What would happen to Clare?

None of this happened.  We are fine.

On Tuesday, we web chatted with Ben. It took Clare about 10 minutes to figure out that it was her Daddy in the computer. As soon as she realized it, she lunged for the monitor, trying to get to him. It was pretty cute.

Also: I gave Clare TWO baths this week.  During the first one, I managed to pour water right into her mouth. She only coughed for a few minutes. Mommy of the Year over here!

Ben comes back today. I will be glad to see him. I need someone here to keep me out of my head. And to keep Clare clean.

Sitting Up

A few weeks ago, I was worrying (shocking, I know) that Clare wasn't sitting up yet. Even though the books I'd read said she was in the normal range for the milestones she was supposed to have reached, I started obsessing over it.

I emailed my friend and professional sounding board, A. She told me her son wasn't sitting yet at Clare's age, and at the time, she was worried, too. Since her son is a wonderful and smart little boy, I felt a lot better.

Then, I read Amalah's post on Thursday. Her son is just a few days older than Clare. She was concerned about the fact that her son wasn't sitting up, and even asked an occupational therapist about it. The specialist was concerned. Of course, this sent me into a full-fledged panic. Even though I know! You are not supposed to compare babies! All babies develop at different speeds! First borns are sometimes slower to do things than second and third children. I get it. I still panicked.

I decided to sit Clare on her little bottom to see what would happen. Just to try it out.

She sat there on her own staring back at me like, "Yeah, what? I can do this. I just choose not to, camera/milk lady."

So ONCE AGAIN I was worrying about nothing. And now I can record another milestone in her baby book. January 13, 2012. Clare sat up by herself for the first time. After being coerced.

 (She still can't pull herself into a sitting position from the ground, but I figure that will come soon enough. If is she just reclined in her car seat or on my lap, she can sit up.)

Clare's First Day

It was almost as if she knew it was the night before her first day at daycare. Clare slept the way I always slept the night before my first day of school - fitfully. Each time she woke up, she was happy...just grinning up at me from her crib.

I was less happy. I wanted to practice my morning routine, so I set my alarm for 5:45. After a 3 a.m. feeding, the alarm went off way to soon. I got ready, but when it was time for Clare to wake up, she wasn't having it. I think she will be a difficult one to get up for school someday.

I took her to daycare, where we met Annette, one of the teachers in her room. She showed me around.  I tried to make myself get Clare out of her carseat and leave, but I kept thinking of reasons to stay. More questions, more things to put away. Finally, I handed Clare off. As I left, I saw her grinning up at Annette. Of course, Annette has glasses, one of Clare's favorite things. I cried the whole way home.

I spent the day shopping and spa-ing. And worrying, worrying, worrying. Even at the Spa, I couldn't put my phone down. Luckily, I didn't ruin my nails. (Yet.)

And my toes match!

When I went to pick Clare up, she was busy eating. She looked at me, and kept eating. Annette informed me that Clare was an easy baby. She spent the day smiling at everyone. When she got tired, Annette put her in her crib, and she put herself to sleep. Wait. What? She never does that for me! If she is not all the way out when I put her down, those little eyes pop open and she won't go to sleep until I rock her. (I know, I know - bad habit that I need to correct soon.) Well, I was relieved. I am glad Clare enjoyed her day and wasn't upset to be away from home and Mom.


Then we got home, and I got this:

Life iz hard.

Sigh. And yet - I couldn't be happier. And now I have to go, I hear Clare calling for me, in her adorable "annoyed" voice.

Mom and Dad's Night Out

Ben and I had our first night away from Clare last weekend. We left her with her grandparents so we could go to a friend's wedding. As I drove away from my parents' house, I felt a little sad. This is the longest I've been away from her since she's been born! Then I felt relieved. And excited, because I was going to have ONE WHOLE GLASS of wine. And oh, did that wine taste good.

It was hot, but the wedding was beautiful. I had fun talking to actual adults about subjects other than diapers and sleep patterns and breastfeeding. And I didn't call my parents once! (I did check my phone several times to make sure they hadn't called me. They hadn't.) When we got back, my mom looked exhausted. Clare had been a bit fussy for them, but she typically is at night.

It really was nice to have a break. Now, of course, I am right back to worrying about whether or not Clare is eating enough. Next weekend, though, I am going to be gone OVERNIGHT for my sister's bachelorette party. That should be interesting...

Really, Mom? Look how pudgy I am! I think I am eating enough.

Six Weeks

The last six weeks have been like the most crazy roller coaster I have ever been on. It has been wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

The last few days I have been especially tired. I don't know if the adrenaline has finally worn off or if it is just my mood, but I have been feeling a lot more inadequate as a mom then I did at first. (Well, except the first week when I had no clue.)  I am constantly worrying - is she eating enough? Sleeping enough? Sleeping too much? When will her baby acne go away? Am I eating the right foods so she gets the right nutrients? She is rubbing her ear - does she have an ear infection? Will I ever go out for drinks with my friends again? What happened to my life? Will I ever feel like myself again?

I remember my friend CMS telling me how isolating maternity leave can be, but I don't think I really knew what she meant until the last week or so.  The days I am home alone, without Ben, are long. I really miss the social interaction of being at work. I feel guilty when I put Clare in her bassinet so I can check my email, but sometimes I just need a break.  I feel guilty that I feel resentful when she starts crying and wants to be fed, even though she JUST ATE. However, when I think about leaving Clare at daycare and driving away I feel sick. I know it will be good for me to go back and be in the world of adults - but UGH. I feel like there is no good answer.

Then today I read this, and laughed my ass off.  It is amazing how one little thing can make your day. Oh, and this:

Fussiness

Over the past few days, Clare has started doing this thing where she'll get this incredibly sad look on her face, her lower lip quivering, and then she'll start crying a pathetic little cry.  As soon as she gets what she wants (if I can figure out what that is) she stops immediately and is perfectly happy. The problem is, I can't seem to figure out what she wants most of the time. I try to feed her, she rejects it. I change her diaper, she is happy for a few minutes and then cries again. I make sure her clothes are dry. (This one does not stand for sitting in damp clothes for any length of time. Although I guess I can't blame her.) I sit her up so she can burp, or I put her on my shoulder. I try to rock her.  Nothing seems to work. Since we were traveling yesterday, I blamed it on over stimulation and general tiredness. But alas, today is more of the same. Any moms out there have any advice on what to do with a fussy baby? Or do I just have to live with it?

What? It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

One Month

How did one month go by already? I feel like Clare was just born. I suppose it is partly due to the trance-like state I have been in due to lack of sleep for the last month. Things are kind of blurry.

Clare had her one month well-baby check today. She is 10 pounds and 23 inches long. She is in the 95th percentile for height and 74th percentile for weight. Long and lean.

We haven't given Clare a pacifier yet, but the doctor suggested we do so now if we want to. She definitely likes to suck, so we might try that tonight. Oh! Also! Clare slept for 6.5 hours last night.  After about four hours, I was up and staring at her in her bed making sure she was still breathing. She was, obviously. Of course, I will worry that she is not eating enough (even though she weights plenty), and will not take advantage of the fact that she is a good sleeper. I will still be up every few hours. Sigh.

At one month, Clare is definitely becoming more alert. Her face is also incredibly expressive. She has a worried look that very much resembles her mother's. Poor girl. She is smiling, but I am still not sure it isn't just gas. We can tell when she is happy, though. It is mostly when she is getting kisses or knows she is about to eat. Then she gets really excited. She sure likes her milk.

To celebrate her one month birthday, Clare and her Daddy had a most excellent nap. It was a good day.

5th Anniversary

It has been 5 years since I married my husband. We met 10 years ago. We were just kids - 21 years old. Like any couple, we've had our ups and downs, but overall things have been really good. I hope that continues once the Peanut is born. I think the secret to a good relationship is actually pretty obvious - communicate! We are both good at that. And, as cliche as it sounds, Ben is truly my best friend. I don't know what I would do without him! He always knows the right looks to give me to make me realize when I am worrying about something silly. Also, he can always make me laugh even when I am trying so. hard. to stay mad.

Here is an example of one of our conversations:

The time: 2 a.m.
The place: bed. I am awake because I am 36 weeks pregnant and do not sleep through the night.
The Question: Are we going to be good parents? I am worried that we aren't. (Because this is the kind of thing I think about at 2 a.m.
The response: "Well, plenty of people stupider than us have managed to raise children. I think we'll be fine. Good night."

Okay then.

Happy anniversary!

Week 37

I feel huge. My hips ache. My ankles are perpetually swollen. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I find it very hard to focus at work. But yet...I am not ready for the Peanut to be born. As much as I'd like my body back (sort of, I'll be breastfeeding so it won't totally be mine), I know I can handle Peanut where he is. Safe in my belly. Now that we have the room ready, the spring cleaning done, and the car seat installed, there is not much for me to do except obsess over how I am possibly going to handle caring for this little, fragile being.

I know it will be fine. We'll figure it out. And I can't wait to meet the little guy (or gal). But yet...

On a less scary note, how cute is the baby's room? Chelsea made the quilt, Christina and Amanda made the hippo and elephant...and as for the bright green dinosaur, well, Peanut has his/her Uncle Andy to thank for that.

The "This is Really Happening" Moment

Last night, I was sitting on the couch watching tv. Ben sat in a nearby chair, flipping through the Baby Bargains book we got from the library. And all of a sudden it hit me. In 3 months, we are going to have an actual, live baby in our house. I mean, I've realized that the whole time, but somehow it just really hit me. Wow. I know I probably sound crazy, but the first two trimester have felt kind of surreal. It felt like the baby was just some vague object and since we had MONTHS until we actually had to deal with it, I didn't think about it except in a sort of abstract way. And now...we have 3 months. With quickly filling Saturdays. I might be starting to panic a little bit. Then, this morning at work, my co-worker asked me if I was ready for the baby to get here. Um, ready? Yeah, try no. They say all you need when the baby is born is a car seat, clothes for it to wear home from the hospital, and a place for it to sleep. We don't have any of those things. We have nothing, except a few random bibs and a Packers sweatshirt that is big enough for a one-year-old. So no. I am not ready. Not ready at all.