12 Months (!!!)

Clare is 1! I can hardly believe it. I don’t think she believed me when I showed her a photo of herself as a newborn and told her it was her. It is amazing how different she looks now.

I remember last year's June 7th so clearly. Going into labor, pushing for 3 and a half hours, finally holding Clare in my arms. Then just staring at her for hours, pretty much scared out of my mind. I was so worried that I would hurt her somehow. She seemed so fragile. Those days are certainly gone. Now Clare crawls, cruises, dances, stands for seconds at a time on her own, climbs, and falls on a regular basis. She’s taken one or two steps on her own, and will walk with her push toy or with Mom and Dad’s assistance, so I know she’ll be walking on her own any day.

I am anxiously waiting for her to start talking. She has a few words: this, hat, all done - although I am probably the only one who knows she is saying all done. She shakes her head no. She says ya for yes, like a good Danish girl. I know she understands much of what we say and is taking it all in. She is also busy figuring out how everything works. She loves putting lids on and taking them off and trying to fasten buckles or snaps. She figured out how to get the top off her sippy cup at daycare, and spilled water all over herself. Maybe she will be an engineer like her Daddy.

We’ve started the weaning process. It is going...okay. The first day she was willing to drink a bottle of cow's milk from me, but then last night she had a fit and threw it across the room when I tried to give it to her.  So we'll see how it goes.  Finding something she is willing to eat has been challenging lately, especially because she does not want her food cut into pieces. We went out to eat last week, and when I bent down to pick her folk up off the floor she reached over and grabbed her entire pancake off my plate. She was pretty pleased with herself after that.

We are going to spend a lot of time at the park this summer – Clare loves being outside, although she is still not sure she likes the grass. She’ll crawl on the driveway, though, despite scraping her knees.

Clare is shy at first when she meets strangers, but seems to have basically gotten over any separation anxiety. She loves having family and friends around. If she has an audience, she is happy. I hope she has a great time at her birthday party on Saturday and isn't too overwhelmed by the crowd.

A year and a day ago, I didn’t really understand how people felt when they talked about how strong your love is for a child. Now I know. I am overwhelmed by my feelings some days.

Clare, I love you more than anything in the world. I would do anything for you. I am glad you are such a happy little girl, and I hope your second year is as good as your first one. Happy birthday, sweetheart!

Random Bits and Pieces: March

We took Clare to the park for the first time two weeks ago. We put her in the swing, fully expecting her to love it. I pushed her back and forth a few times. And she just sat there, staring at the older kids playing on the merry-go-round. She looked so jealous that she couldn't run around with them. She could have cared less about the swing.

We did coax one smile out of her, though.

***

Clare had her 9-month well-baby check-up on Friday. She is still long and lean - 50th percentile for weight and 90th for height. The doctor said she is on track to be a tall girl, like her mom. Maybe she won't be a gymnast after all, despite what everyone at daycare thinks. (She likes to do the splits.) She's had a runny nose for two weeks. The doctor said to expect it to last at least three or four. Yay.

***

She had a bad day on Saturday. It was one of those times when she was just inconsolable. I was so frustrated - with her, with the situation, with my utter inability to fix whatever was wrong. Was it the broccoli I had given her earlier in the day? Another tooth coming in? The fact that she started the day by banging her head on her crib, resulting in quite the little shiner?

We took turns rocking her, I nursed her, we tried laying down with her on the bed. We put her in the car seat and drove through the countryside. None of it worked. Finally, we gave her some Tylenol and I sat with her in the rocking chair. In no time, she was asleep, head on my chest. She hasn't slept like that since she was a newborn. When she woke up, she was back to being our happy girl.

***

On Friday night, I went to see Avenue Q with my friend Amanda. If you've never heard of this musical, let's just say its...well...raunchy. And hilarious. It was so nice having a night out. Those are so few and far between these days. On the drive home, Amanda and I were discussing our various states of happiness with things in our lives. She asked me if I felt fully satisfied with my life, now that I have Clare.  I didn't answer right away, because honestly? I don't always feel satisfied, or happy, although I feel like I should. I have nothing to complain about, really. I guess that is just part of being human, though. Not always feeling satisfied, even when you should be happy with what you have. And I don't mean to say that I am not satisfied with Ben and Clare. Because I am. Completely. There are just other things that I am sometimes less than thrilled about. 

And how could this little face not make you happy, no matter what else is going on?

Year In Review

Normally, I look back on the year and I think, "Wow, another year over - what the heck did I do?" Well, this year was a bit different, so I decided to borrow once again from other blogs and fill out this end of year questionnaire.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Gave birth to my lovely Clare.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

If I made them, I have no idea what they were. I will probably make some again this year, and promptly forget them. (I did tell my coworker that my New Year’s resolution was to stay away from the vending machine. So there’s that.) Actually, I do have one goal. I want to be cleaner and more organized at home. My house has kind of gotten away from me since Clare was born.

3. Did anyone close to you have a child?

Yes! Oh my. Several of my closest friends had babies, and Clare now has future BFFs/boyfriends Will, Archer, Alice, and Carter.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank God.

5. Where did you travel?

We took several trips to the Twin Cities, visited grandparents (Clare's great-grandparents) in La Crosse and Oostburg, and went to a wedding in the U.P. of Michigan.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Sleep.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory?

June 7. Everything else is kind of a blur.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Well, I guess I have to say giving birth to a baby! Also, I am proud of the way Ben and I are handling having a child in our lives. We are still mostly sane.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Ugh. I don't know. I feel like I failed in lots of little ways, but it doesn't seem healthy to dwell on them too much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Does giving birth count as illness or injury?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Clare's butterfly mobile from an Etsy shop. It was the first thing she really focused on, and still loves it to this day. Also, our new car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Our families have been wonderfully supportive and helpful with Clare, but I have to single out Ben. Having a new baby is stressful, and he has been very patient with me throughout this transition. Also, he was a saint in the delivery room.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Scott. Walker.

14. Where did most of your money go?

New crib, new bookshelf, new baby clothes, sheets, towels, shampoo, toys, nuks, bottles, breast pump, books....I could go on. Oh, and daycare. And a new car. Wow, we spent a lot of money this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Clare. ALSO: my sister getting married! Her wedding was beautiful, and I adore her new husband. He is a wonderful addition to our family. Even though I think he might sometimes wonder what he got himself into. Don't worry, Andrew. It is worth it!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Mumford & Son's "Roll Your Stone Away." Anything by the ubiquitous Adele.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Happier. I am not pregnant anymore, but I feel fatter. Definitely poorer with my reduced work schedule, but that is by choice so I am okay with it.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Talked to and spent time with friends, especially pre-baby. Spent time outside. Slept. Can you tell I am tired?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wasting time worrying about things I can't control. That is something I always do, though. I don't think it will change.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We ate our way through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at my parents' house. I ate my weight in Christmas cookies at visits to both sets of grandparents. We all sat around watching Clare try to eat wrapping paper - it is funny how adults forget how to have a conversation when there is a baby in the room. Their little cheeks are just so distracting!

21. What was your favorite TV program?

Parks and Recreation. Hands down. I also loved 30 Rock, Modern Family, Community, Castle, Justified, and the New Girl. I quit watching Glee. The Office didn't make the list because I miss Steve Carell too much.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.....I think I hated all the same people in 2010, too.

23. What was the best book you read?

The best book I read was "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand. "Bossypants" by Tina Fey was a close second. The two books are so different you can't compare them, but I enjoyed them equally for very different reasons. Rounding out the top 5:  "City of Light" by Lauren Belfer, "Moon Over Manifest" by Clare Vanderpool, and "Little Women" by Louisa May Alcott (I know! I had never read this before. I am way late to the party.)

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I don't know if I discovered anything particularly new, but I love Mumford & Sons and She and Him.

25. What did you want and get?

Most importantly, a healthy baby. Earrings for Christmas. A new car.

26. What did you want and not get?

Oh, there are lots of toys I want and didn't get. I'll go with the new iPhone.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

I didn't see many movies this year, but I adored Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. What a finish. I'll miss you, Harry.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I honestly have no recollection of what I did on my birthday. I know I turned 32. Seriously, what did I do? OH. I do remember. Ben and Clare baked me a chocolate chip date cake. It was delicious. They lit the candles in the garage and came in singing to me. It was very sweet.

29. What one [or three] thing[s] would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Dare I say more sleep yet again? Of course, more money would always help. Overall, though, it was a fairly satisfying year.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Anything clean, or at least mostly clean.

31. What kept you sane?

Carving out little moments for myself here and there. Even just an extra long shower when I can get it.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hmmmm....there wasn't anyone in particular this year but I almost fainted when I saw Ryan Gosling without his shirt in Crazy, Stupid, Love. That man's abs are no joke.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Where to start? Actually, I don't think I will list anything because then this post will turn into a rant rather than a review of the year.

34. Who did you miss?

My friends who live far away. Sometimes I miss my pre-baby self. Is that weird? 

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Clare, of course!

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I don't have anything particularly deep or insightful to say here, but I guess I learned that I can handle a lot more than I thought I could. My priorities changed a lot this year, and that is okay. Some things that seemed so important before, well, I learned that they just aren't. I have a whole new person to worry about, and she comes before anything else in the world. I simply can't imagine my life without her. 

Six Weeks

The last six weeks have been like the most crazy roller coaster I have ever been on. It has been wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

The last few days I have been especially tired. I don't know if the adrenaline has finally worn off or if it is just my mood, but I have been feeling a lot more inadequate as a mom then I did at first. (Well, except the first week when I had no clue.)  I am constantly worrying - is she eating enough? Sleeping enough? Sleeping too much? When will her baby acne go away? Am I eating the right foods so she gets the right nutrients? She is rubbing her ear - does she have an ear infection? Will I ever go out for drinks with my friends again? What happened to my life? Will I ever feel like myself again?

I remember my friend CMS telling me how isolating maternity leave can be, but I don't think I really knew what she meant until the last week or so.  The days I am home alone, without Ben, are long. I really miss the social interaction of being at work. I feel guilty when I put Clare in her bassinet so I can check my email, but sometimes I just need a break.  I feel guilty that I feel resentful when she starts crying and wants to be fed, even though she JUST ATE. However, when I think about leaving Clare at daycare and driving away I feel sick. I know it will be good for me to go back and be in the world of adults - but UGH. I feel like there is no good answer.

Then today I read this, and laughed my ass off.  It is amazing how one little thing can make your day. Oh, and this:

Fussiness

Over the past few days, Clare has started doing this thing where she'll get this incredibly sad look on her face, her lower lip quivering, and then she'll start crying a pathetic little cry.  As soon as she gets what she wants (if I can figure out what that is) she stops immediately and is perfectly happy. The problem is, I can't seem to figure out what she wants most of the time. I try to feed her, she rejects it. I change her diaper, she is happy for a few minutes and then cries again. I make sure her clothes are dry. (This one does not stand for sitting in damp clothes for any length of time. Although I guess I can't blame her.) I sit her up so she can burp, or I put her on my shoulder. I try to rock her.  Nothing seems to work. Since we were traveling yesterday, I blamed it on over stimulation and general tiredness. But alas, today is more of the same. Any moms out there have any advice on what to do with a fussy baby? Or do I just have to live with it?

What? It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Bath Time

Clare had her first bath today.

I don't know what's happening here, but it doesn't seem so bad.

Hmmm...I am a bit concerned that you are pouring water on my head.

I am wet. What are you doing with that washcloth?

Fail! I am not happy.

This towel with a hood thing is pretty awesome, though.