Where We Are Now

I've been thinking a lot about the trip Ben and I took last fall to Michigan. We spent time together, just the two of us, enjoying wineries, hiking and exploring Traverse City and Mackinac Island. We had recently found out about Ben's Leukemia diagnosis, and were still trying to process that. Mostly, though, we just enjoyed time alone without our kids.

Now, one of the things in this whole mess that I can feel grateful about is that we did find out about Ben's Leukemia when we did. If we hadn't, he would be at much greater risk now. Instead, he completed chemo in October, and his white blood cells continued to rise until they were back to normal in January. Just in time.

I don't even know what day we are on of Staying at Home. (Okay, I looked it up. It is Day 17.) Today has not been a good day. There has been lots of yelling. The kids are on "Spring Break," so we don't even have school work to distract us from each other. I am not complaining, though. I know many people have it worse than I do. I know I should be grateful that we are healthy (for now), and have a comfortable home with running water and access to food. I know there are people who don't even have their basic needs met. We are lucky that I am home and can devote all of my time to the kids so Ben can hide in the basement and work. We are lucky that Ben will likely keep his job. We are lucky in so many ways.

It can be hard to feel happy about any of that, though.

The kids miss school and their friends dearly. I miss seeing my family and friends outside of a computer screen, I miss the Y, I miss being alone, I miss the library, I miss coffee shops, I miss walking to the Tap for a burger and beer. I know we are doing the right thing by staying home, but I miss my old life.

I am worried about my friends and acquaintances who work in hospitals. I am worried about the health of everyone I love. I know three people who have been ill already, and I am grateful they are on the mend now.

I have developed a new routine for news consumption. When I wake up, I take a deep breath, and read my email from the Skimm. Then I read MPR News. Then I look at Instagram. And that's it for the day. At the end of the day, I read the Governor's email. No Facebook.  After reading, I exercise. Then I feel slightly more equipped to take on the day.

The whole situation is just hard to comprehend, which make sense. We've never face anything like this in our lifetimes. We have inept leadership, making everything worse. (Another thing I feel grateful for: Minnesota Governor Tim Walz's brilliant leadership during this time.) I don't even really know why I am writing this post, except that I felt compelled to write something, even just to record what I am thinking about on this particular day.

I am thinking that this all sucks.

Eloquent, I know. For now, I'll just close with a small mercy. I was able to write this post with only three interruptions to help disassemble legoes. (Oh, and I am grateful for Lego!)

I found these underneath my kitchen sink. Small victories!