The last few days I have been especially tired. I don't know if the adrenaline has finally worn off or if it is just my mood, but I have been feeling a lot more inadequate as a mom then I did at first. (Well, except the first week when I had no clue.) I am constantly worrying - is she eating enough? Sleeping enough? Sleeping too much? When will her baby acne go away? Am I eating the right foods so she gets the right nutrients? She is rubbing her ear - does she have an ear infection? Will I ever go out for drinks with my friends again? What happened to my life? Will I ever feel like myself again?
I remember my friend CMS telling me how isolating maternity leave can be, but I don't think I really knew what she meant until the last week or so. The days I am home alone, without Ben, are long. I really miss the social interaction of being at work. I feel guilty when I put Clare in her bassinet so I can check my email, but sometimes I just need a break. I feel guilty that I feel resentful when she starts crying and wants to be fed, even though she JUST ATE. However, when I think about leaving Clare at daycare and driving away I feel sick. I know it will be good for me to go back and be in the world of adults - but UGH. I feel like there is no good answer.
Then today I read this, and laughed my ass off. It is amazing how one little thing can make your day. Oh, and this:
Emily,
ReplyDeleteI think I can say that most, if not all, first-time mothers have felt the same way you are feeling right now. Yes, life as you knew it won't ever be the same but it will be so much more...including worry, that is written in fine that we don't realize until after they are born unfortunately! Give yourself more time and don't be too hard on yourself. You can't expect to have everything figured out in only six weeks. You're doing good Mom!!!! I mean, just look at that smiley girl of yours. And if Susie, one-eyed nut ball can do it, you can too...10X better of course.
Misty
I am shocked to learn you are worrying! But seriously you are doing an amazing job, and Clare gets cuter every time I see her.
ReplyDeleteEmily, you're NORMAL. We've all been there. Maternity leave is isolating (I was home from 6 am to 9 pm by myself! how did I get through?), and even when people offer to come over, sometimes you don't want them too because you're just crabby, you know? I put Mason in his crib when he was crying so much one day and went into our bathroom, turned on the fan so I couldn't hear him and cried. And then felt awful about it. (Thing is, now, if I were to have a second kid, I wouldn't even bat an eye to do that, because they're FINE.) It's OK to take email breaks - of course it is!! It's OK to be torn between work and being home with her. But it's also OK to look forward to adult interaction. If you need it (I do!), then it makes you a better mom.
ReplyDeleteOK, Baby acne. How long has she had it? Mason got it bad and it stayed for weeks, but one day in the tub I realized the acne had become dead skin and I could gently slough it off with soap and a wash cloth (and my fingernail, a bit). See if that's the case... But it will go away soon.
She's getting plenty of nutrients, no matter what you're eating. I ate pretty little and not very well and Mason was PLUMP.
Your life has changed, and some days that SUCKS. I still feel that way often. But, you will go out with friends again. Once Clare gets a bedtime routine and goes to sleep at the same time every night - around 3 months for us - you can have grandma come over for two hours while she sleeps and you and Ben can go out! Or, Ben can stay home and you and your sister can go out! I swear, a structured bedtime will be a life saver. And it's not too far away.
And remember, babies need breaks from us too. It's totally cool to just let her swing or lay on her mat for 30 minutes if she's content doing that. You don't have to hug and stimulate her ALL THE TIME. She'll never remember this part of her life anyway, so basically, just keep her alive. ;)
You can call or email me ANYTIME. You're doing great.
I'll just second what A. said. The part about keeping her alive cracked me up. The fact that you're worrying about anything means you're a great mom. You care and you want to do your best. To quote Ben...there are people a lot stupider that you that do it. You're doing a bang-up job already. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh, Em! I've totally been there!!! The sleep deprivation + constant feedings + figuring out the cries (hungry again? Tired maybe? Wet? Bored? Just TRYING TO MAKE ME GO INSANE?!?) + crazy hormones + adjusting to the "new normal" while Ben returns to his "old normal" full-time job (the nerve! Being able to have actual ADULT conversations!!) + bad daytime TV (seriously Kathy Lee & Hoda???) + figuring out the whole parenting thing + missing the freedom you had, it's all so overwhelming. What I can tell you is that it DOES get better & the fog will lift. Try to get out of the house, even if it's just to go to Target or for a walk around the block. You're doing a great job. Clare is one lucky little girl to have you as her mama!!
ReplyDeleteP.S.
You will have drinks again with your friends. ;)
Loved the link Em. Hilarious. I'm home all day, every day if you need to vent, cry or laugh.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your supportive comments! It helps a ton.
ReplyDeleteAlso - yes- what happened to the Today Show? I thought it was a legitimate news program.