On Breastfeeding

Three days after Clare was born, we decided to take her to Romano’s, the Italian restaurant in Evansville. Ben’s parents were in town to meet their first grandchild, and I wanted to get out of the house. I was sure it would be no problem – she’d just sit in her car seat. We got to the restaurant and put in our order. Then, the crying began. I took Clare out to the car and sat with her in the backseat. I tried to nurse her. It didn’t work.  She stared up at me, crying in what – frustration, hunger, anger, tiredness? I had no idea, but pretty soon I was sobbing too. There we were, in the backseat of the car staring at each other, both crying our eyes out.  I felt so overwhelmed – trying to nurse and deal with my raging hormones.  I couldn’t believe how strongly I loved this crying little stranger in my lap, who I couldn’t seem to please.

That night, Clare hardly slept. We thought maybe it was gas. Ben held her on her stomach. On her side. On her back. Nothing helped. The next day, my in-laws were back at my house. I spent most of the day hiding in our bedroom, trying to feed Clare, who was still antsy, upset, tired. Finally, I called the hospital and talked to a nurse. Try taking a hot shower, she said. It will help letdown your milk. This was her only advice. A few hours later, we realized Clare hadn’t peed in 24 hours. We called the pediatrician on call, who instructed us to bring Clare back to the hospital.

They weighed her when we got there – she was down to 7 pounds, 12 ounces. (She had been nearly 9 pounds when we left the hospital.) They asked me to try nursing her, so they could see what was happening. Clare was not latching on properly – she can’t tell your nipple is in her mouth, they said. They gave me a latch assist, showed me the football hold, and put Clare in my lap. The girl practically dive-bombed me when she smelled/saw that milk. I can still picture her eyes going wide, lunging for me. (“Mama’s got the good stuff,” said the nurse.) After that, she slept peacefully. We went to Target for more latch-assists, even though the nurse promised we wouldn’t need them after a day or two. She was right.

I was so relieved. It took 24 hours, but we figured out the problem and the solution. I was also annoyed, because I tried so hard to prepare for nursing AND the nurse at the hospital told me I was doing it correctly before we left. Obviously, I wasn’t.

Before Clare was born, I read everything I could on breastfeeding. I was told it wasn’t as intuitive as you might think – which turned out to be oh so true. That first weekend was proof of that. You can read all you want, but you won’t really get it until you do it. 

The whole topic nursing vs. formula is so fraught with judgment.  Some of the books I read basically said you should be put in jail if you don’t breastfeed (La Leche League, I am looking at you.) How ridiculous. Everyone needs to do what is right for them.  I also finally realized it is okay to ignore the books: as long as Clare was growing and alert, it didn’t matter that she only nursed from one breast per feeding, despite what the books say.

For us, despite the rocky start, nursing has worked wonderfully. (Except when Clare first got teeth. The less said about that the better.) It is free, convenient, and comforting for both of us.

Now, though, Clare is almost one – and I am getting ready to wean her. I am back to reading everything I can on the topic, and worrying about the right time to do it. And how to do it. And that she might not ever want to do it. Or that she will give it up too quickly, and won’t want to cuddle with me anymore.  But oh, the luxury of being able to have a glass of wine whenever I want. I am looking forward to that. And to having my body to myself for at least a few months.  Just like with learning how to nurse, I feel overwhelmed. I wish I knew what  I was doing.

Just like with learning how to nurse, though, I will wean her. One way or another. It will all work out.

This?

While we were at my parents’ house on Sunday, Clare was looking at some small, framed photos of  my siblings and me that my mom has on display. She pointed at the picture of me, and said “This?” Clear as day. Then she pointed at Aunt Katie, “This?” and Uncle Robby, “This?” What a weird first word. (Besides Dada, which she says all the time.) I thought I heard her say it before, but I was never quite sure. But last night my mom heard it too. Every time she encounters something new: “This?”

When we were back home, she was trying to get some coasters off the coffee table. They were just out of her reach, but being the determined girl that she is, she kept trying to get them. She was getting pretty frustrated, and ignored my suggestion to move to the other side of the table where she would be able to reach them. Then, she took one of our remote controls and used it to pull the coaster to her. I swear to God. She must be taking after her engineer-minded father, because I never would have thought to do that.

Last week she was chewing on her sock after taking it off her foot (as you do). I said, “Clare, where does your sock go?” And she set it on her foot. Okay, maybe it was just a fluke, so I tried it again. And she set it on her foot again! Harvard, here we come.

Oh, and food update: Clare is not allergic to eggs. Huzzah! In celebration, I stocked up on ravioli (the perfect finger food!) and on Sunday we whipped up a bunch of these pancakes. I had my doubts, but they were delicious. We added blueberries, and Clare just chowed down. I think she is growing, too, because on Saturday she ate a plate of scrambled egg whites, a cup of yogurt with oatmeal, some banana and blueberry puree, a handful of cheerios, and a rice cracker – all in one sitting. Sometimes it is all I can do to get her to eat anything, although she did enjoy the 4-year aged cheddar that she had on Sunday. She is such a cheese snob. I think Gouda is next on the list. After all, it is an important cheese in her mother’s life.

Also: I am just joking about the Harvard thing. We’ll never be able to afford the tuition. And, if state schools were good enough for her parents and all that…

Random video time: Clare in her high chair, deciding whether or not she wants to eat. Happy Tuesday.

10 Months

I feel like I just wrote the 9 month post, and here I am again! 10 months! (And a few days. I didn’t have a chance to do this over the weekend.) I know I say this every month, but I can’t get over how fast Clare is growing. This morning I was in the kitchen, and I glanced out in the living room and saw Clare standing at the end table, playing with her books. I thought, “who is that little girl and what happened to my baby?” I know they change fast at this age, but sometimes I feel like I am getting whiplash.

We had Easter at my parents’ house this weekend, and I am happy to report Clare no longer cries when she sees my dad. In fact, she had a lot of fun with him this weekend. She was a little frightened of Uncle Robby at first, but that’s true for everyone. (Just kidding, Robby. I know. I am hilarious.) Clare was busy showing off all of her new tricks: clapping her hands, blowing raspberries, putting her wrist in her mouth and moving it back and forth while singing.

She also waves hello and goodbye, says Dada when she sees Ben, makes the sign for milk when she is hungry, gives high-fives, and smiles for the camera. When we were at dinner on Sunday, she played the peekaboo game by herself by holding a napkin over her face, waiting for us all to scream, “Where’s Clare?” and then pulling the napkin away, smiling with glee. (She learned the game a few minutes before from her grandma, and was happy to continue it for several minutes. It was just so cute watching her cover her face with the napkin, especially since she sometimes forgot to cover her eyes. I think she liked looking at all of her adoring fans.)

She is very interested in anything Mommy and Daddy are drinking (water, beer, whatever), but refuses to drink out of a sippy cup herself. She is a pro with finger food – but is also a pro at letting us know when she doesn’t want any more by throwing it on the floor. She tried blueberries for the first time last week, and loves them. She also loves Cheerios, and her eyes light up when I pick up the box. Oh, and cheese. If I put vegetables and cheese on her tray, she ignores the vegetables but gobbles up all of the cheese. A true Wisconsin girl. I think we are going to try eggs this week. I am crossing my fingers that she is not allergic, because then I can start giving her pancakes and ravioli and other yummy things made with eggs. Also, having an egg allergy would suck. Then we wait until she is 18 months old to try the foods I am allergic to (peanuts, tree nuts, fish).

Clare had a lovely first Easter, although she wasn't too sure what to think of her Easter basket.

Grandma Mary Theresa gave her a book and the bunny. I filled the basket with all of my favorite Easter candy. Clare can’t have any, of course. Isn’t that convenient? As we say in our household now, “Nom Nom Nom.”

Fever and Ear Infections and Separation Anxiety OH MY

Ugh. It has been a week. Yes, it is only Monday, but I am talking about last week. I am not ready to think about this week yet. What? It has already started? Well, too bad. I am still on last week over here.

We had dinner with my dad last Sunday night. When we got there, Clare burst into tears every time she saw him for the first two hours of the visit. By the end, she was fine, happily showing him the tupperware she was playing with and using his head as a drum. On Wednesday, we went to visit my grandparents. Clare clung to my chest and refused to be put on the floor for the first hour of the visit. On Friday, we drove to the Twin Cities to visit Clare's grandparents. She gave Grandma a brief smile, and then clung to me while giving Grandpa a vary wary look, despite being interested in his moustache. So, we have a pattern. The separation anxiety has begun.

Oh, and did I mention she had a fever of 104 degrees on Thursday night? A trip to urgent care confirmed a high fever and double ear infection. The poor thing. She was just not herself at all. I am guessing this illness did not help the little one cope with her separation anxiety any better. She has been quite cranky as a result. (She seemed better Friday, which is why we still made the trip.)

Clare and Daddy at urgent care.

Then last night, she developed a rash. I, of course, panicked, assuming the worst: ALLERGIC REACTION! This caused me to hover over her in her crib for minutes at a time counting her breaths, and wake every hour or so to make sure she was still breathing. Overreaction? Maybe. Anyway, I called the doctor this morning and they said it was just because of the fever. Nothing to worry about.

On the bright side, we had a lovely dinner on Saturday night to celebrate Ben's brother's recent engagement. Clare was in bed, so I could actually enjoy my food and participate in the conversation. What a novel thing! I had TWO glasses of wine. And, on Saturday Mommy and Clare had a playdate with some of my dearest friends - and three babies who were also born last spring and summer. It was so fun to watch them together - laughing, crawling around, pushing each other out of the way (Alice), taking toys right out of each other's hands (Clare), trying to kiss the other babies (Will), and falling asleep in the middle of the all of the toys (Carter). It was great to see my girls, too. I need way more (adult) girl time than I currently get.

We took a picture, but unfortunately did not do so before they started melting down:

Clare, Carter, Alice, and Will.

The best part was right after this was snapped, Clare, Alice and Will immediately crawled towards their moms, crying. Carter just sat there sucking his thumb, wondering what all the commotion was about. What an easy going guy.

I do hope these kiddos can play together somewhat frequently - Clare doesn't have any first cousins. Also, I have some lifelong friends (Rae Lane Gang!) that I treasure. I want that for Clare, too.

Well, I guess despite the fever, ear infection and separation anxiety, last week wasn't so awful after all.

Random Bits and Pieces: March

We took Clare to the park for the first time two weeks ago. We put her in the swing, fully expecting her to love it. I pushed her back and forth a few times. And she just sat there, staring at the older kids playing on the merry-go-round. She looked so jealous that she couldn't run around with them. She could have cared less about the swing.

We did coax one smile out of her, though.

***

Clare had her 9-month well-baby check-up on Friday. She is still long and lean - 50th percentile for weight and 90th for height. The doctor said she is on track to be a tall girl, like her mom. Maybe she won't be a gymnast after all, despite what everyone at daycare thinks. (She likes to do the splits.) She's had a runny nose for two weeks. The doctor said to expect it to last at least three or four. Yay.

***

She had a bad day on Saturday. It was one of those times when she was just inconsolable. I was so frustrated - with her, with the situation, with my utter inability to fix whatever was wrong. Was it the broccoli I had given her earlier in the day? Another tooth coming in? The fact that she started the day by banging her head on her crib, resulting in quite the little shiner?

We took turns rocking her, I nursed her, we tried laying down with her on the bed. We put her in the car seat and drove through the countryside. None of it worked. Finally, we gave her some Tylenol and I sat with her in the rocking chair. In no time, she was asleep, head on my chest. She hasn't slept like that since she was a newborn. When she woke up, she was back to being our happy girl.

***

On Friday night, I went to see Avenue Q with my friend Amanda. If you've never heard of this musical, let's just say its...well...raunchy. And hilarious. It was so nice having a night out. Those are so few and far between these days. On the drive home, Amanda and I were discussing our various states of happiness with things in our lives. She asked me if I felt fully satisfied with my life, now that I have Clare.  I didn't answer right away, because honestly? I don't always feel satisfied, or happy, although I feel like I should. I have nothing to complain about, really. I guess that is just part of being human, though. Not always feeling satisfied, even when you should be happy with what you have. And I don't mean to say that I am not satisfied with Ben and Clare. Because I am. Completely. There are just other things that I am sometimes less than thrilled about. 

And how could this little face not make you happy, no matter what else is going on?

Movement

Clare has turned into a crawling, waving, standing, moving machine. I have started crawling after her all around the house taking things away from her (which of course, she finds to be HILARIOUS). She loves shoes that are left out on the floor. She loves the cat’s scratching post. She loves Mommy’s purse. Everything is so new! And exciting! I wish I still felt that way about things. (Although I am pretty excited about the Coach purse I bought. At the outlet, but still. It is Coach!)

We visited my grandparents in La Crosse last weekend. Clare wanted, more than anything in life, to touch the decorative (sharp) coral my grandmother has on a coffee table in the living room. Every time she saw an opening, she charged for it. She did not give up or forget, despite being momentarily stymied. When the menfolk got up to go do manly things in the basement (ahem, install a new flat screen TV), Clare crawled out of the room after them. She will not be denied her adventure! She kept turning around and looking at my sister and me to see if we were going to follow her or not.  I got the sense she didn’t want us to. How can she be so independent already?

She has mostly given up the army crawl, and it is fun to watch her tear across the floor. I am glad she likes crawling, because my mom (an elementary school principal) says it is good for reading development. And of course, since I love reading I want my daughter to love it, too.

Busy sorting through her books.

 As for the standing – up until yesterday, she only stood up every 10 tries or so. Yesterday, though, she suddenly seemed to master it. When we were at my grandparents' house, she stood up using the couch as support. She stood there for a few minutes, basking in praise. Then, she just lifted her hands in the air and let go. Luckily, I caught her before she fell – but she looked pretty darn pleased with herself.  I have a feeling a few crash landings are in her future. That reminds me – when she first started standing, she was holding the side of her crib. She started to slip, and held on for dear life. She looked at me wide eyed – terrified that she was about to fall.  She was whining and whimpering – it was so funny, because of course, she would just have landed on the mattress.  That she was standing on. It would be so interesting to know what is going on in their little heads at times like those.

She waves hello and goodbye, and seems to understand what she is doing. She waves goodbye to me when I drop her off at daycare. I love how babies wave – opening and closing their little fists towards their own face, because of course, that is what it looks like when people wave at them. I swear she said hello the other day, but I might have been hearing things.

She has started posing for the camera, too. My dad had the camera out in La Crosse – Clare was sitting on my grandpa’s lap making the funniest little faces as he pointed the camera at her – just the cheesiest grin you’ve ever seen, head tossed back, so proud.  The only problem – she poses after you’ve already taken the picture. I guess she is not ready to audition for America’s Next Top Model just yet.

I wonder how many calories I would burn if I moved as much as Clare. I crawl after her, but that is about the extent of my exercise these days. I think I’ll just let her do the exercising for the both of us.

A home video! I know you're excited.

Nine Months

Nine months. She has now been on the outside as long as she was on the inside.  I was looking at some pictures from last summer, and I just can’t believe how different she looks now. I’ve always thought she was cute as a button, but she really is so much cuter now than she was when she was first born. I think her personality has a lot to do with that. Clare has the cutest little laugh – have I mentioned it before? She doesn’t laugh that often, she usually just shrieks with joy, but when I can get that giggle it makes my whole day. The other thing that makes my whole day: Clare’s absolute excitement at seeing me when I come to get her in the mornings. I may have mentioned this before, too, but oh, it is so precious. She acts like we’ve been apart for months rather than hours.

Oh, and this happened:

She only manages to pull herself all the way onto her feet once in a while, but she is working hard at it. She has taken more than a few tumbles, but doesn’t seem to be any worse for wear. When I go into her room in the morning, I see her little hands on the top of the crib, her head tilted back as she tries to see over the top bar. We’ve already lowered her mattress once, and I think we will need to do it again soon.

She has been crawling like crazy – she still does the army crawl, but also pulls herself onto her hands and knees regularly. If Ben and I are in another part of the room, she charges for us. She will not be left out, Little Miss Social. She is babbling constantly – she says Dada, but I don’t think she’s made the connection to Ben. Other than that, I haven’t picked out any definite words yet. 

She loves playing with her blocks – I build a tower and she knocks it over. If I am holding a toy, she wants it, even if she has 3 in her hands. I guess the grass is greener even when you are a baby. She also loves books – and has actually started showing interest in the pictures on the page rather than just using them to chew on. (I had to stop letting her do that so much, I am afraid she has ingested more than just a little bit of “Moo, Baa, La La La.”)  She adores animals, and I can’t wait for her first trip to the zoo. She is going to absolutely flip. She also loves it when Mommy or Daddy is playing on the floor with her - Mommy is her favorite jungle gym.

She is growing and changing so fast – I feel like I can’t keep up. I just read Anne Lamott’s book, “Operating Instructions,” and it made me wish I had written more about Clare. I want to record every minute! I know this is not realistic, but still. It feels so fleeting. I just want to bottle her up so I can revisit this age when she has turned into an acne-covered, parent-hating teenager.

She is doing pretty well with solid foods. She had her first avocado last week, and is having her first chicken today. We started practicing with finger foods (mostly just some organic puffs I found at the co-op). She had some trouble at first, but seems to be getting the hang of it. With her 9 teeth, she looks like she could eat a steak. She also shared a banana with me the other day. We were in the living room – she wouldn’t eat it with her fingers, but she helpfully opened her mouth. Insert food, please!

I went away for a much needed girls’ night last weekend (Wine! Shopping! Gossip! Knitting! Yes, you read that right. I knit now. Sort of.) I had a blast, but I missed the heck out of Clare. When I got home on Sunday, she could have cared less. Of course, she had her Daddy. And, when it came time to eat, she was happy I was there. I guess Mommy is good for something after all.

I actually made that hat!