Week 10

The Baby: Is about the size of a prune.

Weight gain: Eh, I haven't checked. I did just eat a big bag of Doritos, which probably isn't the best idea.

I’m Feeling: Much better than last week! I actually got acupuncture, which really helped. It doesn't seem like it should do anything, it is like magic. I haven't been sleeping well, though. I am so anxious about all this moving stuff that I wake up at 3 a.m. almost every day, and usually lay awake for an hour or two. I hope once things are a little less uncertain I'll start sleeping better again.

Cravings/Aversions: I've read about women craving things like laundry detergent during pregnancy. My latest craving is food, but it is not something I can eat: a tuna salad sandwich. I don't know why I want that, especially since it would land me in the hospital.

What I'm enjoying:  I had half a snow day yesterday (Clare's daycare closed at noon). I decided I would treat it as a free day and not worry about all the things I have to do. I watched the final installment in the Twilight series while Clare napped. Man, that movie is terrible. I enjoyed it all the same, though.

What I'm worrying about: All the stuff I have to get done before we move. I am also anxious about finding an OB and a pediatrician. 

Movement: Still too early for this.

Clare:  She claims she wants a baby in the house. I have a feeling she'll be changing her tune come October.

Chaos

Whew. It has been a week, as they say. (Does anyone actually say this? I don't know.) I came down with the evilist, most vile stomach virus you can imagine. I was miserable for days. I fainted in the bathroom. Again. I did not feel like a human, much less like myself. It was decidedly unpleasant.

In the midst of all this sickness, Ben got the call. He was being offered a job in St. Paul. We had until Monday to decide if he would take it. You know, I think it was good that I was sick. I didn't have the energy to freak out. Of course, this meant I also didn't have the energy to calmly weigh the options, either. I just did not want to deal with it AT ALL. However, deal with it I did. We talked about it a lot, and ultimately came to the conclusion that the Twin Cities is where we want to be. We have many reasons for moving there, and really only two reasons not to. (Two big reasons: my mom and dad.)

My parents were very understanding, if disappointed. They've always encouraged us to follow our own path and lead our own lives, something I greatly appreciate. And I know we'll still see them frequently. (In fact, I think we have plans to see them almost every month for the rest of the year.) And hey, with technology Clare can see her Baba and Jo face to face every week.

Now, the chaos begins. We have so much to figure out. Where we are going to live is, well, probably the most important thing. Gah! We are going to try to find a short term lease on an apartment for now. We are hoping to buy a house this summer, but don't want to rush into it. Sigh. Moving is exciting, but boy is it stressful.

I put in notice at my job yesterday. I was very nervous about this - I was up at 3:45 that day thinking. Just, you know, inventing all sorts of worst case scenarios for myself. Of course, it went fine. Not all of my coworkers know yet, but they will find out eventually. I don't plan to immediately look for work when we move. I am going to give being a Stay At Home Mom a try. It should be interesting, to say the least. (Although maybe we will be less sick? One can only hope.) Also, if anyone is interested I did write a couple of posts when we first started seriously talking about the possibility of relocating - I kept them hidden until now. They are here and here.

In the meantime, at least for one of us, life goes on as usual. Crazy, hyper, and happy. Not a care in the world.

Week 9

The Baby: Is about the size of a grape. I had another ultrasound at my last appointment; it was amazing to see how much it had grown since the first ultrasound.

Weight gain: None so far, but my stomach is definitely rounder and higher.

I’m Feeling: I have been SO SICK. So sick. I was not nearly this nauseous when I was pregnant with Clare, so I am convinced I am having a boy. (Although, I was convinced I was having a boy when I was pregnant with Clare, too.) All three of us came down with a wicked stomach flu. I am finally feeling human today after five days of misery.

Cravings/Aversions: I have only been able to tolerate certain foods, mostly bland things like bananas and Special K cereal. I have many aversions, but there is no rhyme or reason to them. I still don't want chocolate or coffee AT ALL.

What I'm enjoying: Having an excuse to lay on the couch during Clare's nap rather than do housework. Of course that means my house is a disaster.

What I'm worrying about: Today, it is putting in notice at my job. I have to do that tomorrow. I know it isn't fun for anyone, but I am really nervous. I know my coworkers will be disappointed, and my workplace is strange in a lot of ways - I don't know how management will react. Tomorrow may be my last day. Then again, maybe no one will care.

Movement: Still too early for this. I did enjoy seeing that little heartbeat fluttering away again, though.

Clare: She was at the last ultrasound, and when the picture came up on the screen she screamed, "Baby!" She probably just remembered from last time, but it was funny. She also likes to look at the ultrasound pictures.

Week 7

I didn’t start blogging until I was 20 weeks pregnant with Clare, and even then I didn’t do a great job of recording many details about the pregnancy. This time around, I decided I should keep a better record. It may be my last time being pregnant (according to Ben), but even if we have a third child (according to me), it will still be nice to  be able to look back and remember this pregnancy. Especially how nauseous I’ve been these last few weeks! I really want to remember that. Hey, maybe this will actually help Ben win the argument. He can just remind me how crappy I felt when I say I want a third child.

ANYWAY. I am going to borrow an idea from a few other blogs (including my good friend A.), and fill in the answers to these questions each week. (Or at least every few weeks. Let’s be realistic here.)

The Baby: Is teeny-tiny, about the size of a blueberry. It is truly amazing what havoc something that small can wreak.

Weight gain: None so far. Actually, I did gain a pound or two before I knew I was pregnant, but that was because I was sick and not exercising.

I’m Feeling: Nauseous. Hungry. Then nauseous. Then hungry. Etc. Bone tired. Just so, so tired. Also, I have been SUPER emotional. I find myself crying about nothing. And everything. I cried during every single story I heard on NPR on the way to work yesterday, even the happy ones. I cry when I look at Clare. I feel depressed and anxious, too. I am hoping these hormones sort themselves out soon.

Cravings/Aversions: So, so many aversions. It has been strange. A certain food, like the homemade pizza I made last weekend, will be great one day, and the next day I can’t stand the sight of it. Right now, mushrooms in particular sound horrible. (Yes, they were on the pizza.) Also: hummus. Barf! Chocolate also sounds terrible, which is sad, because I love chocolate. I try to eat every few hours, because that seems to help with the nausea, but I need to stick to fairly bland, plain food. I haven’t been craving anything in particular.

What I'm enjoying: Yoga. It helps calm me down, and gives me a little time to myself.

What I'm worrying about: Many things. There is a lot of uncertainty in our lives right now. There is one thing in particular that I am waiting for resolution on. When that happens, I think I’ll feel a bit better. Also, I feel strange that I am not that excited about this pregnancy. Of course, I have psycho-analyzed myself, and I really think it is because of two things. One, I was super sick when I first found out I was pregnant. No energy for excess emotions. Two, because of my history of miscarriages, I don’t want to let myself get too excited, in case something goes wrong. Although, because we saw a strong heartbeat at six weeks, my chance of miscarriage has dropped to 10-15 %. I’ll be happy when we reach that 12 week mark, though.

Movement: Way too early for this. I haven’t been doing much movement myself, either.

Clare: She has no clue. I have been doing a lot more sitting in the chair while she runs around instead of getting down on the floor with her, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

Early Viewing

Me: Dad, are you going to be in your office tomorrow? Clare and I will stop up after my doctor's appointment.
Dad: Why are you going to the doctor? A check up?
Me: Yes.
Dad: To find out if you're pregnant?
Me: ....
Dad: I shouldn't have asked you that. But you had a positive pregnancy test?
Me: Uhhhh.....yeah.....

Yes, I did have a positive pregnancy test. I know from past experience, though, that this means nothing. So I made an appointment with my doctor for an early ultrasound. I was nervous. Not as nervous as right before I first found out I was pregnant with Clare.  That day, sitting in the waiting room, I was the most nervous I've been in my life. This time, though was different. I glanced at Clare in the rearview mirror on my way to the appointment, smiling away in her car seat, and I knew that no matter what happened, all would be right with the world. Even if I never had another baby, I had my Clare and that was all that mattered.

We arrived at the clinic, and my doctor was thrilled to see Clare. She had delivered her, after all. "It's a mini Emily!" She exclaimed, going on to tell me all about her granddaughter. I tried to relax. To be patient. But I wanted her to get going. I wanted to know, one way or another, what I would be dealing with. Finally, she began. And there it was. The tiny flickering of life on the monitor. An impossibly small heart, beating away inside my body. A baby.

I felt relieved. And nauseous.  Not excited, though, not really.  I need to wait until the next six weeks are over to feel like we are out of danger.

And then I can begin looking forward to October, when our lives will change forever. Again.

20 Months

January was a long month. We've spent the last two weeks passing a nasty virus around our house. Clare, thankfully, seems to have recovered (knock on wood!), but I am still in the middle of it. I haven't been able to taste anything for a week now, which is strange to say the least. (However, that didn't stop me from consuming a quarter tray of taco dip during the Super Bowl. Sad, I know.)
I will say this though: Clare, despite being extremely congested for a week or so, did NOT get an ear infection. Ear tubes ftw!!

Clare's nap schedule has changed - she has basically given up her afternoon nap, and her morning nap is much later than it used to be. I'll admit it - I miss her taking two naps a day. Some days she really seems to need a second nap. (I need it, too. When else am I supposed to catch up on everything on my DVR?) And she'll go down okay, but it never fails. Ten minutes in she is screaming at the top of her lungs, demanding release from her prison.

She has many new words to add to the list, including Big Bird, Grover and Abby. (Anyone see a theme?) Also: tini. For martini. Yeah. Ben is happy because she says hockey, and uses it mostly correctly. (She thinks golf is hockey, too.) She calls my mom Jo, which is pretty cute. (It is also her name, so it's not like it is a fun nickname or anything. It is just cute when Clare says it.) Her other new words are: juice, pop, garbage, puppy, ice, snow, ouch, box, potty, wow, whoa, and mote (remote).

She is also the new Mistress of Stall. Every night before she goes to bed, she is suddenly hungry, demanding food. At first, I thought it was because when she was sick she ate very little and was making up for lost time. Now, though, I think she is just trying to delay the inevitable. She'll use a similar tactic before nap time, too, demanding more and more milk, even though she is struggling to keep her eyes open.

I feel like I should have more to say, but my head is just way too congested. When you're sick, do you ever feel like you can't remember what it's like to be healthy? That is how I feel right now. What is it like to taste food? I can barely remember, and I've only been sick for a week.  And I don't even have any cute pictures of Clare to post at the end here; I barely took any this month. Okay, I'll stop whining now. One thing I am really happy about: it is light when I leave work again! This makes me indescribably happy.

The Wait

Ben had a job interview in St. Paul last week. When he told me about the interview, my stomach immediately tied itself into knots.  I have been anxious about it ever since. I mean, I want him to get the job. Of course I do. He needs to change what he is doing. I want him to be happy. But that means change. Big change. We'd be moving away from my parents. I'd have to quit my job. I'd be leaving my friends here. Clare would have to change daycares and change doctors.

I told my parents about the interview last weekend. I was so nervous to tell them that I was up at 4 a.m. worrying about it. They were great about it, of course. And I know we'd still see my parents frequently. And we'd be moving to the Twin Cities, where we have my sister, Ben's family, and lots of really great friends (who I miss terribly). What could be bad about that? Oh, and I suppose they have doctors and daycare there, too.

Really, I think the problem is it is just easier to stay the same. Don't rock the boat, etc. But is that what is best for me? For Ben? For our little family? No, not in the long run.


And no matter what happens with Ben's job, we need to move. We are bursting at the seems in this little townhouse. We are hoping to expand our family, and simply do not have room for another baby in this place.

So yes, it would be nice to know if that move is for Ben's new job, or just for more space. Hopefully the answer to at least one of our question will come this week. (Edited to add: it didn't. These things always seem to take longer than they should, don't they?)